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The fabrications of criminality are laughable! Finally, your folks are heading for court and prison. 
If you can't look back at your younger self and realize that you were an idiot, you probably still are.
Now that Elmer has been disarmed, prepare for a huge population boom of cartoon rabbits ..
Calm down! Walmart is just asking you to wear a mask and you can still wear your pajamas and leave your bras and teeth at home.
Word of the day - MACROVERBUMSCIOLIST -Someone who pretends to know a word, then secretly looks it up.
Facebook is the perfect tool for keeping in touch with people that you lost touch with for very good reasons.
Hey,,, I know the words to all 5 songs on the radio.
Thanks to #AmazonPrimeDays I know what it feels like to be catfished.
"Waht if we just throw some pretty-colord marshmellows in with some cat food?" ~ Invetors of Lucky Charms
One assault charge and all of a sudden you're not wife material anymore.
The 3 second rule: Is the time between when you tell me your name,, and when I introduce myself and wonder what you said your name was
Whole Foods Cashier: "Would you like to make a donation?"... Me: "No,,, just these 11 items for $109, thanks"
I thought my life was miserable until I saw yours.
I don't recall any NFL fans ever crying in their beer about no 3rd world fans showing up for the tailgate party.
Me: Are you a dealer? Him: Obviously. Me: I want cocaine. Him: For the last time, place a bet or leave the casino.
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
A pine cone in laying on the bottom of the pool looks like something much more troubling.
Look kiddo, you're 7 now. Daddy's Gin & Tonic needs to be mixed a lot better than that. Rules are rules. Standard def TV only this weekend.
Words of Wisdom: The police never think it’s as funny as you do.
Well its December. Time to spend an hour putting up the Christmas tree and 16 hours fighting with the wife about it. 