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Don't worry about what you eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Worry about what you eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving 
I met a woman last night who said she would take me to heaven for $50. Damn these religious fanatics and their annoying fund-raising scams
...Is it just me or is Ed Hardy and Affliction in an all out war with each other to make the douchiest t-shirt possible. These things are like 95% rhinestones and glitter, these shirts scream I touch myself when I watch Brokeback Mountain.
Little girl asked her father,do all fairy tales begin with Once upon a time?The father replied,No, some begin with - If elected I promise..
still wants to know if everybody's still attending my Huge Orgy Party held on December 21, 2012 at my place?"
Thanksgiving may be the only time some people in California see real breasts
I love it how doctors show you pictures of smoker's ugly lungs and non smokers healthy lungs when technically both sets of lungs came from DEAD PEOPLE.
how many times can you post the cougar/nittany lion thing. there is three per page! OK, WE GET IT!
Who else thinks their ringtone is the best, but when you're in public and it rings, it's the most embarrassing moment of your life?
Life's like a box of chocolate, it doesn't last very long for fat people.
I am so sick of Irish Stereotypes ....as soon as I finish this pint of Guinness I'm gonna punch someone in the face
I am taking a shot for every "like" I get on this status. Then again, I'm taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant.
Look. If there's a chick wearing a dog collar in her profile pic, she's got a friend request coming from me. Period.
Whenever I see a sock puppet... I wonder if he might be my long-lost son from one of my countless affairs with socks.
That awkward moment when you give a mint to a person with a horrible bad breath....they take it, then put it in their pocket!
How do people who are housebound obese not see that coming? You're gradually getting fatter. It's not Willy Wonka and that blueberry girl, where you just blow up. If you're walking out of your house sideways because you're too fat, make a mental note.
The best medicine in the world is a mother's hug
R.I.P. Pavol Demitra and the hockey team killed in the plane crash near the city of Yaroslavl
Hi, may I help you?" "No I just waited 15 mins in the line to say Hi. 