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Being Single Means An Empty Butter Tub Becomes An Instant Cereal Bowl. Being Single And Drunk Means Not Washing The Butter Tub First. 
*confetti falls* DING! DING! DING! *audience cheers* *in my gameshow host voice* COOOOONGRATULATIONS! YOU'RE THE 1000th PERSON TO MENTION THE FACT THAT IT'S FRIDAY IN YOUR STATUS. JERRY, TELL 'EM WHAT THEY'VE WON! *door opens* ABBBBBBSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!
2012: get rich or die Mayan!
My girlfriend just said, "Your obsession with cats is out of control, so I've packed your bags." I think she's kicking meeeowt.
not a stalker. Look! Here's a picture of you in the shower... am I in it? Nooooo!
believes it's time to celebrate nipples. Without them, boobies would be pointless!
Women are like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get...so you should sample them all...maybe eat a few too...
Mitt Romney's cat walked into a bar. Well, no it didn't. Yes it did. No it didn't. Yes it did.
Don't let this smile fool you. I'll put it in your ass without asking.
I am going to buy a sodastream machine. If you piss in it you can make your own Miller Lite,,,
"I only cheated on you with girls" is the most beautiful thing a woman has ever said to me.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
I hate when girls post about their relationship all day. B*tch no one gives a f*ck if your boyfriend bought you a bagel.
I can't believe I got sacked from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
I am always confused when people ask me.. "Did you sleep good?" I always wonder if they want me to say.."No, I made a few mistakes"..
I like to hide in the clothing racks at department stores and while people are browsing yell PICK ME! PICK MEEEEE!
I want a Toyota even more than before. Now if you get pulled over you can blame the accelerator!
reminds you that people will believe anything if it's whispered.
has two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
ust read a list of 'the 100 things to do before you die'. I'm pretty surprised 'yell for help' wasn't one of them. 