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Unlike my girlfriend Facebook goes down. 
Unless you want to f*ck me, why do you care what I look like?
Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" have a "Use By" date?
Sometimes girls try too hard for boys that dont even care....its kinda sad...girls nowadays are losing their self-respect...
If you're horny and you know it, use your hands.
How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I'll let you know if we can be friends.
Ladies: You texted him but he hasn't texted back? Don't be too quick to assume he is ignoring you, instead assume he was obviously so excited to get your text message that he fainted.
I bet vegetarians don't even feel guilty eating baby carrots
Restaurant hosts: Stop asking, we all want a booth.
I'm chivalrous. I always hold the door open for a woman so I can get a better look at her butt.
Groupon's slogan should be: "Nothing you want but at least your inbox isn't empty!"
It's weird...I keep hitting the home button on my phone, but I'm still at work..
Everytime I hear of someone that was attacked by a shark, I think "didn't they hear the music?"
I am so sick and tired of your sh!t. You are lucky I am not banging your wife and making you watch... just practicing what I will say to my boss if I win the lottery tonight.
Can we stop all this about this Snookie. I doubt many of us give a baboon's bollok about it or her.
I dont mind going to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is bullsh*t
My phone is smarter than you.
Ok, give the Southwest Airlines pilot a break....at least he woke up the air traffic controllers!
My boss asked why I was so late. I said this guy had lost £20. My boss then asked if id helped look for it, I said No, I was standing on it.
I gave a pint of blood yesterday. I hate mosquito season. 