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I think it's cute how they call those little wimpy squeeze balls "Stress Balls". Because everyone knows if it were truly a "Stress Ball" it would made of solid concrete or cast metal. (So you could throw it at whatever stresses you out) 
Any day now I expect to look up from my phone and meet my grandkids.
What can I say about Kanye West that he already hasn't said himself?
i'll make better mistakes tomorrow
I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.
"For birthdays, someone will blow air and spit on candles and a cake. Then—hear me out—people will eat it." -- the guy that invented birthday parties
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.
They say money doesn't being you happiness.... I say....neither does being broke....
Shoutout to ATM fees for making me buy my own money
What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by it's root and still be scared of spiders. --Jerry Seinfeld
Don't you just want to write on some people's Facebook wall, "You peaked in high school."
People need to stop demanding respect and start earning respect.
F*ck the zombie apocalypse, it's never going to happen. Worry about the f*cktard apocalypse, it's already upon us.
There should be one day out of the year where people working retail can say what they want without getting into trouble.
I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.
Back in the day, there wasn't so many warning labels on things. People weren't so freaking stupid.
My new wife earned a thunderous round of applause at the reception when she described her wedding vows as "taking one for the team"
Whenever I see someone walking around with a selfie stick, I always wonder what happened for them to just give up on life like that.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 