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They need to make a breathalyzer app for my phone... After 10pm, I'm usually above the legal limit to text message. 
Lets just call him He-Who-Will-Not-Be-Laid.
Thanks for calling the revolutionary tipline. Your call is important to us. Press: 1 if by land, 2 if by sea, 3 to hear these options in Spanish
My safe word is Marriage.
Junk- something you keep for years so you can throw it away three weeks before you need it.
A snail that meows, a squirrel in an astronaut suit, a crab with a whale as a daughter, The creators of SPONGEBOB were obviously high.
Whenever I hear about bad things happeneing to Clairvoyants and Psychic`s I just think why did`nt you see that coming ?
Im a bit more cautious when deleting my internet history. I thought it might look a bit suspicious that I haven't been on the internet for two years.
I was having a fantastic nap on the way to work this morning, until some inconsiderate ba$tard decided to bounce off my windshield.
Americans will spend $17.6 BILLION on Valentine's Day. On average men spend $169. Women spend $86.
My boyfriend and I broke up, but at least we'll still be cousins.
ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK
Well, all the leaves are off my trees so I guess I'll have to pee inside from now on...
The guy who created the Big Mac has passed away at the age of 98. Michael Delligatti ate at least one Big Mac every week for decades yet lived to be 98. I have one thing to say about this..."KALE, YOU BIG FAT LIAR!!!"
New N.S.A. Watchlist: People who hurt my feelings on Twitter.
After 30 years of shopping, my wife still has nothing to wear today.
Q: Why there are bomb blasts in Pakistan?
A: The terrorists have opted to 'work from home' policy.
Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It's really a cold water heater.
You know its cold outside when you trip over dog sh** instead of stepping in it.
The secret of our marriage is chemistry. She's on Valium and I'm on Prozac. 