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I'm in a good place right now. Not emotionally... just that I'm at the liquor store. 
My cell phone battery dies faster than a mother in a Disney movie.
Any time you feel lonely, remember, its your fault nobody likes you.
That was not the first time Tiger's bone popped out and he had to put it back to avoid further damage.
In hell, you're served sugar free jam on burnt gluten free toast with decaf coffee.
If you line up all your ex's in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental illness.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel,,, and misinterpret other peoples intent.
f people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?
Some things are really better left unsaid!
making like a baby and heading out.
MOTORISTS: When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice
Pet Peeve #11: Bathroom Pictures. There's no other mirror in your place? Enough already!
A man walked in to a bar and said, "I'll have a pint of less, please." "Less?" the barman replies, "what's that?" "I don't know either," the man said, "but my doctor told me to drink less."
Lord Voldemort is real evil. He turned Cedric Diggory into Edward Cullen.
Ahhh...STRESS!! Cafe mocha vodka valium latte to go PLEASE
None of my illegitimate sons sent me a card today. B@stards.
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
"Little Women" author Louisa May Alcott was diagnosed with Lupus 119 years after her death. And you thought your HMO was slow.
thinks that you can only be young once, but you can always be immature.
thinks if Bear Grylls would have been in the garden of eden he would have eaten the snake instead of the apple! 