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the new Star Wars trailer went online today & it's already a better movie than The Phantom Menace. 
If Mexico wanted to really harm the U.S., they would cut off our supply of drugs.
Happy Mothers day Bruce Jenner!
One more mood swing and I'll have the whole set.
You know how you can hear the sea if you hold a sea shell to your ear? I'm pretty sure if you hold dog sh*t to your ear it sounds like Justin Bieber.
Everything I have learned about women has come from a pamphlet in a tampon box.
Being heckled during sex is the worst.
Some days you just can't get home to your liquor fast enough
Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
I'm not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.
My gf won’t get the remote that’s in the other room, but if my wallet was at the bottom of an ocean she’d be shopping already.
I've already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
So would the ACLU defend me if I protested and burned down ACLU headquarters?
Why would a woman come with instructions? Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
Never make a decision when you are angry and never promise when you are fornicating.
Just found a message in a bottle..... It read,, "Whatever you do, just don't tell Sting where I am."
Thanks to the presence of fools, wise people stand out.
The popularity of Congress is at an all-time low, according to a recent poll that says Americans like head lice more than they like Congress. But you know, I think the real story here is that some Americans like head lice.
I'm always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times. 