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I love sleep, because my life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake. 
I bought my girlfriend a 10lb bag of future diamonds for Christmas...Thank you Kingsford!
Apparently I am attracted to women who have big jugs. Of pepper spray.
God created man in his own image. (minus all the cool powers)
I thought I'd join the neighbor hood watch but my neighbors aren't that attractive..
When people tell you things "as your friend", that means they hate you and want to destroy you.
Come on down! You're the next contestant on STFU!
To all guys who say they don't understand women: You don't have to understand how a TV works to enjoy watching it, do you?
Last time I checked, my name wasn't in the dictionary. Therefore, I can't be defined.
Charlie Sheen says he's back to reality and is not crazy anymore. My ex-wife says the same thing.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 8 days because she hates it when I interrupt her
Those who drink to drown their sorrows should be taught that sorrows know how to swim.
If you wear a bluetooth, please use one of your free hands to slap the ever loving sh*t out of yourself.
A cooking show said you can batter food in left-over beer. What is left-over beer
What wine goes best with Cheerios..?
I bet when cab drivers ask Prince where he wants to go he closes his eyes and whispers "1999."
I have no tattoos, no piercings. I'm just a big, blank canvas of crazy.
Apparently, Bin Laden had a 25 million dollar price tag on his head. What kind of ridiculous, designer turban was he wearing?
Just when I thought my dream was real.............the elephant wants to start talkin
4 Steps to dealing with telemarketers: 1. Repeat yourself 3 times 2. Always respond in question form 3. Scream at random 4. Make no sense 