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I just got this sudden urge to do something productive. Wait nope, false alarm. 
I wonder how awkward it was for the guy who invented clapping: *claps* "What're you doing??" Not Sure...but it sounds encouraging
Best pick up line? Lets go eat. I'm paying!
With fewer toothpaste choices on the market now, maybe those 5 dentists can finally agree.
Well, I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I am available. I have some mad stalking skills plus references.
Every day above ground is a good day.
RIP Donna Summer NOW we will never know who left the cake out in the rain
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
Gold Digger - like a hooker, only smarter.
Happiness is going to your sons wedding, seeing your ex-wife and fighting the desire to shake the hand of the man who she left you to be with and say, "thank you, I really dodged the bullet on that one"
Its a sad day. Signed, Epstein's Mother
I just ate empanadas and listened to old Menudo records. I'm pretty sure that makes me more Puerto Rican than Jennifer Lopez now.
A Brief History of Our Times: As televisions became flatter, people became rounder.
I separate women into two categories: 1. Women I would have sex with. 2. Dudes.
Where do I purchase one of those filters that goes between my brain & my mouth?
The best relationships are the ones where the other person makes you so f*cking h*rny you can't remember why they've made you so p*ssed off.
Still in my Y2K bunker. Have they given the all clear yet? Running out of beans.
I don't think I've ever seen a Mexican midget. I bet they're all just having a hard time making it over the fence
Time does not heal all wounds. Case in point, leave a gunshot wound untreated and see where that lands you.
I thought at this stage of my life, I would have at least one concubine. 