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My daughter answered every one of Dora's questions wrong and Dora still said, "good answer!". Good to see Mexico's education system is still on track. 
Fell down the stairs today. Counting it as a workout
I haven't vacuumed since two thousand and Facebook .
My signature move is to slightly caress my wife for 4 months until one day she sighs deeply then seductively calls out "fine, just hurry up"
seriously bothered, one of my socks just keeps sinking into my shoe like it’s ashamed of being seen with me in public.
I got some new underwear. Well, new to me
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
Boobs are nature's antidepressants.
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
Jay Carney steps down as White House press secretary to rejoin Weezer.
I can tell by the way you keep snapping your gum in my ear that you really don't value your life at all.
TEXTATIONSHIP: a person that texts you all the time but never makes an effort to see you.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy
"Pay attention, 007,,, This might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button,, a handle comes out and you can wheel it."
I tried sweeping a problem under the rug once, but her legs kept sticking out.
The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.
If I quote The Princess Bride and you don't get the reference, you are dead to me... And not just mostly dead.
Beautiful is the woman who sees you as a king not a ticket to a free meal.
So Walmart has their new Savings Catcher app... I'm thinking savings isn't the only thing you will catch at Walmart... 