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Sometimes, you can just tell it's gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day. 
We should be able to text 911, just in case you're hiding from the crazy psycho killer in the trunk of a car...
Girls are supposed to dance. That's why god gave them parts that jiggle.
I think from now on...I'm going to start referring to the crease on my double chin, as an "extra smile".
Why do all the women who intrigue me always live too far away and with their boyfriends and husbands?
My signature sex move is "right click," "save as."
To be truthful,,, I have never unrolled a sleeping bag and been able to roll it back up any smaller than the size of a garage.
Hey girls,the best time to give a blowjob is when there's a football game on TV. It sounds like 50,000 people are cheering for you.
Where do people go when they unfriend you???... Is it a better place???
What if oxygen is poisonous and it just takes 75-100 years to kill us...
A 'Baby On Board' sign, but for your whiny boyfriend.
Not all men cheat. Some of you women just assume you’re in a relationship with the guy.
Let's hope they don't hire Steve Harvey to announce who our next president will be.
Last night I lost my mood ring....I'm not sure how I feel about that.
Rest in Peace Prince
By 2050, four out of every five Americans will be a Duggar...
I didn't have any girl to spoil for Christmas this year so my bank balance is looking healthy.
Today, the Apple iPad turns five years old. So it's official. The iPad is as old as the people who make it.
Finger Prints on Super Bowl Trophy to be used in dozens of criminal investigations
I’m about to eat gas station breakfast.....tell my family that I love them. 