snotty Funny Status Messages

   I got a membership to Sam's Club and my name isn't even Sam... *lol,, These guys are idiots.

   ZOOKEEPER: As you all know, one of the penguins has somehow gone missing & we need to find it.. ME: *nervously* it's finders keepers tho,,, right?

   FYI: if you order a mcflurry 8 days in a row,, that's called a "McTurbo"... and they have to let you see the shed where they keep grimace

   *accidentally taxidermies the wrong end of a lion... * "What a catasstrophy!"

   Evel Kneivel: Jumps over 45 old school busses... Good Kneivel: Fixes the busses and makes sure every kid gets a good education

   I feel sorry for people that haven't found their true love. My ex is on her 5th.

   The good news is they're putting a woman on the $20 dollar bill... The bad news is it will be worth only $14.

   I ain't saying she's a gold digger but she has emphysema and is missing four fingers. Maybe she's a coal miner.

   WOW,,,, my nana REALLY can't take a punch anymore

   Little Known Fact: The Golden Girls was originally titled Depends on Friends

   I make up for the time I've wasted on the Internet by stopping the microwave a few seconds early

   [dogs around campfire] *flashlight on face*,,,,,,,,, And when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time

   [on a date] Me: I own an airplane , racecar, and a yacht... Her: Wow... Me: But not all at the same time,, I haven't got that many Legos

   Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don't get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.

   Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.

   Remember when we were kids and we couldn't wait to grow up, move out of the house, and get a job? ...... LORD,, we were dumb.

   Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can't possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.

   Well,, The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

   According to the Americans with Disabilities Act, Led Zeppelin has to build a ramp of a width of 36 inches next to their Stairway to Heaven

   If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate,,, they'd have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Susan is already taken.