Funny Status Messages

   Hosting a little family dinner party tomorrow. Do you think 1 box of Cheerios will be enough for 6 people?

   Dear Santa, Don't bring me anything this year as I've got every thing I need. Tyrone, aged 7 from Baltimore

   It's God's job to judge the terrorists...it's our mission to arrange the meeting." -U.S. Marines

   If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire that’s changed their name to Cha Ching then I don’t see the point of money.

   I'm not sure what in the hell MW3 stands for but unless it's Margarita Wednesdays for $3 I'm not interested

   Sometimes I open the fridge and stare at the contents for no reason at all, just like I do with Facebook.

   hoping for a Fergie Wardrobe Malfunction Today!!!

   Got a Valentine card in the mail today from my ex who wants me back. Sorry Verizon its not happening. You should try and move on without me.

   5 Things you don't want wake up and to hear during your Surgery: 5)Ok folks,let's dig in 4) Accept this sacrifice oh Great Lucifer 3) Fifi! Come back with that! Bad Dog! 2) Oops! My contact lense! 1) It's ALIIIVE!!

   Since almost 7 billion people live on Earth now, the statement "you're one in a million" really isn't that much of a compliment anymore.

   I'm sure the sale of duck calls to the gay community will be on the decline...

   I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn't like it.

   I'm now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.

   thinks the only reason the Easter bunny hides his eggs is cause he doesn't want anyone to know he screwed a chicken.

   I'm sorry, Talking to you seems as appealing as playing leapfrog with unicorns.

   Any boy can be a dad but only a real man can be a father

   Dear freezer, I get so hard for you. Sincerely Water.

   I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my monitor if I leave it idle for 10 minutes... it's my screen savior.

   My friend asked me if his car's blinker worked. I checked and said: yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.

   The barman says "we don't serve time travellers in here". A time traveller walks into a bar.