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I have to remind myself this weekend there will be many Halloween parties. So don't go by instinct and start shooting zombies in the head. 
Hosting a little family dinner party tomorrow. Do you think 1 box of Cheerios will be enough for 6 people?
Dear Santa, Don't bring me anything this year as I've got every thing I need. Tyrone, aged 7 from Baltimore
It's God's job to judge the terrorists...it's our mission to arrange the meeting." -U.S. Marines
If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire that’s changed their name to Cha Ching then I don’t see the point of money.
I'm not sure what in the hell MW3 stands for but unless it's Margarita Wednesdays for $3 I'm not interested
Sometimes I open the fridge and stare at the contents for no reason at all, just like I do with Facebook.
hoping for a Fergie Wardrobe Malfunction Today!!!
Got a Valentine card in the mail today from my ex who wants me back. Sorry Verizon its not happening. You should try and move on without me.
Since almost 7 billion people live on Earth now, the statement "you're one in a million" really isn't that much of a compliment anymore.
5 Things you don't want wake up and to hear during your Surgery: 5)Ok folks,let's dig in 4) Accept this sacrifice oh Great Lucifer 3) Fifi! Come back with that! Bad Dog! 2) Oops! My contact lense! 1) It's ALIIIVE!!
I'm sure the sale of duck calls to the gay community will be on the decline...
I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn't like it.
I'm now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.
thinks the only reason the Easter bunny hides his eggs is cause he doesn't want anyone to know he screwed a chicken.
I'm sorry, Talking to you seems as appealing as playing leapfrog with unicorns.
Any boy can be a dad but only a real man can be a father
Dear freezer, I get so hard for you. Sincerely Water.
I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my monitor if I leave it idle for 10 minutes... it's my screen savior.
My friend asked me if his car's blinker worked. I checked and said: yes, no, yes, no, yes, no. 