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[job interview] "So what are your goals for working here?" To be home by noon... 
Dear women, he does not want a watch for his Birthday. He wants you to dress like a hooker, handcuff him to a chair and have the kind of sex with him that would definitely upset churchgoing people.
College kids please choose a career in something you love and you'll never work a day in your life, because that dream job isn't hiring....
I'd donate to a GoFundMe page dedicated to stopping people from asking me to donate to their GoFundMe page.
Calling someone “stupid” is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it’s just a diagnosis.
Fast food workers that want a tip confuse me, if you want a tip, be a server, not a flipper.
Smart Car owners have the added bonus of "my dog ate my car' as an excuse for being late to work.
My philosophy is if you haven't used something in over a year you should just throw it away, which is why my genitals are in the garbage
When 100 couples were asked "why did you decide to have kids" the most popular answer was "because we hate our money."
I fell into a gorilla enclosure once and nobody even noticed
I always know what my childhood friends are doing these days, thanks to the user-friendly county mugshot database.
I am glad to say that even after all these years. I still follow Bell Biv Devoe's advice on not trusting a big butt and a smile
I like to punish people who ask me how I'm doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.
I'll just admire you from afar.. Or 500ft. That's what this paper says.
To settle an argument, think about why you are wrong and why she has boobs.
The Ice Bucket Challenge was such a great idea last week!! This week...not so much!!
i don't understand the hype around iOS8, people update java and adobe flash player on a daily basis and don't tell everyone about it.
Sneezing while taking a piss is only recommended when you're in a public toilet.
I think I may be getting harder to love.
What's the difference between brown nosing and kissing ass? ...depth perception. 