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Apparently evolution decided tails were useless, but nipples on men made sense. 
My whole life flashes in front of me when I hear the words ‘We need to talk'.
if you come to my house for Halloween don't be surprised if you see a couple of scary goblins....I sometimes forget to button my housecoat.
Another night alone,,,,,,,,I wish I was from Nantucket!!!
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.
I'm a good idea in theory.
Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
Talk about double standards! When I showed my bud my new harley it's was perfectly acceptable for him to say "That's great! Can I have a go on it?" But when I said the same as he introduced his new girlfriend to me it's a different story.
I only do what I’m told when I like what I am told.
I'll do almost anything to lose weight. But exercising and eating properly is where I draw the line.
Honey, you don’t have sex appeal. You have slut appeal. There’s a difference.
Whoever named them "urinal cakes" has grossly overestimated their love for cake.... On a different note, what is the strongest toothpaste available?
An eye for an eye leaves the whole world with a lot of pirates and cyclops.
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
Being too lazy to go grocery shopping is the best diet ever.
Pro tip: On Canadian Wheel of Fortune,,, ALWAYS buy the letter 'eh'.
I am one chin away from my goal weight.
I hate that I liked something on facebook that "you" liked
When your boss says to make your dreams come true, he probably doesn't mean the one where you push him down the stairs.
I would much rather answer silly questions than try to fix stupid mistakes. 