Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have. 
Talk about double standards! When I showed my bud my new harley it's was perfectly acceptable for him to say "That's great! Can I have a go on it?" But when I said the same as he introduced his new girlfriend to me it's a different story.
I only do what I’m told when I like what I am told.
I'll do almost anything to lose weight. But exercising and eating properly is where I draw the line.
Honey, you don’t have sex appeal. You have slut appeal. There’s a difference.
Whoever named them "urinal cakes" has grossly overestimated their love for cake.... On a different note, what is the strongest toothpaste available?
An eye for an eye leaves the whole world with a lot of pirates and cyclops.
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
Being too lazy to go grocery shopping is the best diet ever.
Pro tip: On Canadian Wheel of Fortune,,, ALWAYS buy the letter 'eh'.
I am one chin away from my goal weight.
I hate that I liked something on facebook that "you" liked
When your boss says to make your dreams come true, he probably doesn't mean the one where you push him down the stairs.
I would much rather answer silly questions than try to fix stupid mistakes.
Chill ladies. "Hi" is neither a booty call nor a marriage proposal. It's just a greeting...
Know what's sexy? Everyone…right after I finish my 5th beer.
I took an Ambien and now I hate everyone....
Shopping for antiques won't make you gay, but it will make you buy curios.
If you can't find your wife or GF at the mall, just start talking to the hottest girl you see and she'll appear out of nowhere.
"If I get off , It will be on your face" - United passenger 