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"I'm afraid to fly"...flies all over the world and racks up a ton of frequent flier miles lol 
.... The Feminist movement maintains that "All Men are Pigs" and that "Women are Equal to Men"
My favorite condiment is sarcasm, I put it on everything.
it illegal to put "avenge my death" in your will
Scientists remain baffled as to why the people on the internet really like pictures of cats and cats doing things.
Think before you speak, and do not speak all that you think.
I googled "what women want" and my computer crashed......
If you pay a 55-year-old chain-smoking divorcee named Babs to sit nearby and drink beer, Wii Bowling gets a lot more realistic.
Never reject anybody in your life, because good people give us happiness and bad people give us experience. Both are essential in life!
WTH is Lady GaGa wearing? A bug zapper on her face?
Sometimes you just need someone to tell you you're not a loser and are worth a little more than crap.
Realizing that you aren't that smart after all is a sign of maturity.
A girl just told me she wants to play House, so I started limping and insulting her.
Its daylight saving time again people.. An you know what that means.. Playing another week of “Well it should really be this time instead of that time"We get it! Happens twice a year!
If judging others is a sin, Santa must be going to hell.
For Christmas I gave myself an obscene amount of vodka. I'm so thoughtful.
Joe Paterno's doctors also said they wish they could have done more.
My hamster died today,he fell asleep at the wheel..
usually if ur driving behind a person who has a TAPOUT sticker on the of back of their car window... chances are they are a huge pu$$y !
I'm not cranky, I just have a violent reaction to stupid people. 