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You know you are getting old when you have to scroll down, and scroll down some more, to select the year you were born when completing on-line forms 
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort,, it is equal to one night.. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Why do people think you'll remember somebody if they say the name twice? "You remember Steve?".. "Steve who?".. "Steve, Steve."
Everybody talks about my drinking but nobody talks about my thirst!
I don't mean to brag, but pretty much every pot I've ever watched has boiled.
wondering why the chick who flipped me off in the parking lot this morning couldn't find a better use for that finger. She could have been so much happier!
lost my mood ring, I don't know how I feel about this...
I had to take a drugs test the other day and it came back negative.Which means my dealer's got some explaining to do.
make sure you dont fall in love cuz I dont have the time for that
If you want to change the Font size on Facebook, just press CTRL and + till you get the size you want, Or CTRL and - to make it smaller.
I just dusted and mopped the house like 3 months ago and it's dirty again. This is bullsh*t.
I'm old enough to remember when there was only 1 fat kid in the class photo.
Some people don't like pizza or bacon, those people are called terrorists.
I don't care how hot she is, dumb is not sexy.
A man hit my fender the other day and I said unto him, 'Be fruitful and multiply.' But not in those words.
If the 6-year-old me knew that I bought a house instead of a helicopter he'd kick my ass.
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
I'm Not Walking With My Head Down Because I'm Sad, My Head Is Down Because I Want To Be The First Person To Find Whatever You Lose.
lost the key to my imagination, and now I can't start my unicorn
For over 20 years, I thought Bon Jovi gave love a Band-Aid 