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If God had wanted you to talk more than listen, he would have given you two mouths and one ear. 
When people stutter I have a really bad urge to shout "REMIX!"
It's completely pointless when someone says "don't forget to save room for cake." There's always room for cake. Always.
The Running Man may no longer be a trendy dance move but it's still a totally great way to get out of a boring conversation.
8 year olds today have Facebooks, twitter, phones, ipods. When I was there age, I had a coloring book, crayons, chalk, and imagination.
moving to Sweden where all the guys are smart enough to realize brunettes are way hotter than blondes
8yrs ago my wife decided to keep me when nobody else would. I bet she regrets that at least every other day. I definitely got the better half of the deal. Happy Anniversary Honey. Love you lots. And a special thanks to you, Facebook for reminding me;)
My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" and I sent it anyway.
If lesbians aren't attracted to men, why are they attracted to women that look like men?
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.
What does the Michael Jackson action figure have written on the back of the box? Not suitable for children. Colors may vary.
At first notice, the word "Diputseromneve" looks quite ridiculous. However, if you read it backwards its even more stupid.
Bought a cheese grater for a blind friend... He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.
the only reason Kanye likes Kim's ass all oiled up is because he can see his own reflection in it.
how come no matter how prepared you are for your toast popping up you still get a shock?
..a recent survey shows that 9 out of 10 men prefer big boobs. The 10th man just prefers the other 9 men.
had a GREAT FB status but Kanye West interrupted me...
Do you realise that in 40 years time,there will be alot of old ladies walking around with tatoos
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
I hope hurricane Irene takes care of "Jersey Shore"... Permanently! 