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Lisa in Accounts suggested we play Xmas music in the office. Long story short, she left early due to food poisoning. 
Charles Manson was going to get married. He's 80 years old, and serving a life sentence in prison. Well, the marriage is off. And today I saw that his profile was back on eHarmony
Just texted my wife "goodnight sweetheart, I love you" but accidentaly sent it to my boss, which is awkward because he likes to hold my hand in meetings.
I used to care but I take a pill for that now.
I love that video where Justin Bieber swings back and forth on a wrecking ball in his panties.
The KKK and Black Panthers are in line at Starbucks--Barista
Counselor: 'Don't you think you've got a drinking problem?' Me: ¡No way, Jose Cuervo!
Blockbuster Idea: "Dancing with the Stars", but with stars.
I'm doing laundry for the whole family. (Not my family - I'm at my neighbors. They're going to be very surprised.)
I need a hug and a beer, this climate stuff is stressing me!
Fellas; If she has introduced you to all her friends and enemies, then she is keeping you for a while.
What do you think Kanye West is gonna get Kanye West for Valentine's Day this year?
If people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?
I never trust the emotional stability of women who wear Mickey Mouse shirts.
No, I didn't accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
Each year, hundreds of trees grow because squirrels forget where they buried their food.
I like my sushi cooked medium rare,,,, and made from a cow.
If you hand me a flyer in the streets there's 100% chance that I'll make a jet and aim it at the next bin. And miss.
We need naked bitstrip cartoon people if this is going to work. Just my opinion.
If it wasn't for sex, I would have quit being a grown-up a long time ago. 