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My math teacher accused me of cheating, I can't help that my english teacher is hotter. 
Here in America we pay homeage to our Presidents by gathering at malls and walmarts giving back our tax returns
It's extremely frustrating when you spell a word so incorrectly that even spell check isn't able to help you out.
Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
They say "Opposites attract" but they never tell you for how long.
fired up for another beautiful earth spin into darkness! Who's with me??
I hope you were all good little boys and girls and Betsy Ross brought you all presents. Happy Flag Day to us all.
got 6 Fathers Day hugs and all I did was go to Wal-Mart... weird.
I've been trying to improve some vegan recipes,, but so far all I've come up with is "add steak."
I always remember our time together. That's why I'm getting a lobotomy.
I wish we could "Hand Pick" who gets knocked off line on Monday!!!
When my girlfriend caught me cheating I told her I got HACKED but she didn't believe me. I guess that only works on Facebook.
Every time I see a bottle labeled "personal lubricant" I shudder to think of the public kind.
We live in a world where we have to hide to make love, while violence is practiced in broad daylight.
Some people have the emotional depth of rainfall collected in a thimble at the Sahara Desert.
You know it's a bad break-up when your ex-girlfriend is posting Taylor Swift lyrics as her facebook status.
There's a “send” button; there's a “resend button; WHY ISN'T THERE AN UNSEND BUTTON?
When People Say, "When I Was Little I..." And I'm Just Sitting There Awkwardly Like, "I Still Do That"....
If Her Legs Aint Never Shook Or Locked Up On Ya, Yu Aren't Doing It Right! 