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Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned. 
Just when I thought there was hope for humanity, I walked into Walmart. We're all doomed.
Hardest thing ever? Controlling your laughter at serious times
I don't care to be the rich guy who you want to marry and never have sex with…. I prefer to be the pool boy who you want to have dirty sex with but never marry.
You had me at..."My family is very wealthy".
Currently using Google image search to determine whether or not I should swallow this pill I found on the floor behind my desk.
Math tells us of the 3 saddest love stories: Of parallel lines, who were never meant to meet. Of tangent lines, who were together once then parted forever. And of asymptotes, who could only get closer and closer, but never could be together.
Sundays always bring out my inner senior citizen....
Toaster Settings: 1) I do nothing. 2) I do nothing. 3) I SET THE BREAD ON FIRE!
I don't drink water, unless it's been through a brewery first.
Women don't like being told what to do unless they're naked.
When I was younger, I grew up in a theme park! The theme of the park was trailer.
Hey Starbucks. If you gotta name your drinks with stupid language, don't roll your eyes when I order a gitchy gitchy yaya yaya mocha choca latte ya ya
Worried cause I heard a beep and didn't know if it was my cell, ipod, Wii, Skype, Facebook, email, Twitter or TV but it was just my fire alarm. Phew!
if your fiancée loses 30 lbs to get married, they’ll put 60 back on…
It was just yesterday where it was a requirement to say grace before every meal... Now the only importance before a meal is making sure you get glamour shot for instagram.
As I get older I spend a lot more time thinking about the hereafter. Every time I enter a room, I have to stop and say, "Now what am I here after?"
She said, "I finally got my period." and all I heard was, "You get to keep your paychecks."
if you have a job where you have to wear a nametag, nobody gives a sh!t what your name is.
If you're not happy being single. You're not doing it right 