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Car dealerships: it doesn't matter how many balloons you put on the cars, I'm not going to randomly decide to pull in and buy one. 
I think at this point, the Beastie Boys are more concerned about Medicare coverage. Than the right to party
When writing a resume, it's much more valuable to say you are an expert at "replicate and repurpose functionality" than "copy and paste."
Dear Alaska, please refrain from gifting your weather next year.
being colourblind doesn't stop me enjoying life. the other night I saw joseph and his amazing brown coat . it was great .
I'm really bored but too lazy to do anything about it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Spongebob, it's been over 11 years. You're not getting your drivers license.
Facebook is worth $100 billion. That's just in lost productivity.
My refrigerator is like a condiment time capsule.
How can a slim chance and a fat chance mean the same thing
MTV is 30 today!! Nina Blackwood, Mark Goodman, Alan Hunter, Martha Quinn and J.J. Jackson....you're hard work was for nothing guys "Reality Show Killed The Video Star"!!
Some nights getting a 3-year-old to sleep feels a lot like trying to kill a Terminator
FYI: Taking permanent marker and writting Aeropostale on Fruit of the Loom tee shirts will NOT fool your teenager.
Sorry hun but I'm not a doorknob where everyone gets a turn I'm more of a casino were only the lucky ones hit the jackpot
For a long time dogs were a mans best friend. Then porn took over.
What I do, I do very well, and what I don't do well, I don't do at all.
Dance like no one's going to put it on YouTube.
Sometimes I text my mom just because the thought of her staring puzzled at her phone trying to find her texts is difficult to resist
Have they invented a cure for morning people yet? 