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Someday I hope to solve one of the great mysteries of life, like where do socks go when you put them into the dryer? 
That awkward moment when you want to buy something, check the price and sadly, leave it there.
for more info on lung cancer, keep smoking..
I was just reading the bible and it came to my attention that is is the man's job to make the coffee in the morning... HeBrews
Love is like your shadow...the more steps you make towards it the further it moves away from you...but yet it follows you around your whole life.
No matter what it is I'm doing, there's always about an 85% chance I'm supposed to be doing something else.
I am actually looking forward to the rapture....To all the women who told me "I wouldn't sleep with you unless you were the last man on earth" Look out ladies here I come!
Its gotta suck to be a band like Heart and have your hit songs be on commercials like Swiffer dust and mop
Had a dream last night. I knew it was a dream immediately because the therapist agreed with me, the ex apologized, and I was wearing pants.
Good Morning America challenged everyone to remove any article of clothing they were wearing that wasn't made in America. I was shocked by the results, but not as shocked as the people standing around me in Best Buy.
Always believe a woman when she says, "You don't want to know."
Harry Potter's movie reinforces one stereotype. That an army of evil is still surprisingly inept at killing the main character
IMAGINE if Facebook, Twitter, and msn all broke at the same time. We might have to actually get lives
Who else puts LOL or LMAO or ROFL knowing good and damn well your sitting there with a straight face
Ever worry that the sensors on those automatic toilets are actually little video cameras? Bet you are now.
Anything you can do, I can do bitter.
If you ever see anyone planking in public, nothing is stopping you from dropping a Macho Man "flying elbow" on them.
Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.
I'm the type of boy who can set the kitchen on fire by just getting a bowl of cereal.
Last year, I deducted 10, 697 cartons of cigarettes as a business expense. The tax man said, “Don't ever let us catch you without a cigarette in your hand.” 