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Just gave my son "the talk" about how to avoid police brutality..... Go to college, get a good job, live in a nice neighborhood, and learn how to use the phrase, "yes sir". 
I can't stand it when people don't know the difference between your and you're. There so stupid.
Rearrange these words: 1) PNEIS 2) HTILER 3) NGGERI 4) BUTTSXE Did you read..........Spine, Lither, Ginger and Subtext?
I asked a homeless girl if I could take her home. She said yes with a big smile... So I walked off with her cardboard box.
I never use the little twist ties to close a bag of bread...I just spin the bag and tuck it under the loaf of bread.
According to my nipples, I'm freezing!
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I'm wide awake. Not sure who won, though.
Anyone who can use the term "Hitler was right" has a lot of soul searching to do!!!
going around the house and renaming things so they all start with an "i" before Apple does it... such as his iToaster, his iToilet, and his iKids and iWife
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
In case you missed the State of the Union address, let me sum it up for you, gay soldiers will win the future by riding high speed trains to salmon farms.
heard practice at Cowboy Stadium was delayed 2 hrs after a player reported finding a white powdery substance on the ground. After a complete analysis, Dallas CSI forensic experts determined the white substance, unfamiliar to the players, was the goal line
Some women need to walk around with a stripper pole to match their outfit.
Speak English or get off here.... (for below)
To those who worry about haters I say: You will never reach your DESTINATION if you keep stopping to throw stones at every dog that barks at you.
The sales of sexbots have been skyrocketing. I wonder if they make an underage one? That's gonna be the hot seller among Hollywood and Democrats.
Things you should never do after a breakup: 1. Listen to love songs. 2. Read old messages 3. Read their statuses, tweets or updates.
I almost got raped in jail. My family takes monopoly very seriously.
Why is driving so hard for some people? I mean, its like coloring! All you do is stay between the f*cking lines!
My niece asked me, who is that ugly girl on American Idol? I said her name is Steven Tyler 