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Dont be jealous of me... If you had to walk a mile in my shoes, you'd probably need a year of therapy 
The Men's Warehouse guy is going to die of lung cancer. I guarantee it.
n't Breaking Dawn already a movie starring Ron Jeremy?
The best way to watch the new Adam Sandler film 'Jack & Jill' is to rip it to DVD, let it play on your TV, and then set your house on fire.
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
I've just bought a 3D Kindle. Or a book as I like to call it.
There are a few people I know whose birth certificates should be considered an apology letter to the world!
It's interesting how people claim to love/like their jobs, but ready to go home as soon as they get in the door.
If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me.
If you put your finger in someone's butt you're legally married to that person in at least 46 states.
You win some, you lose some, and if your lucky, you get some.
I may look calm but in my head I've killed you 3 times
Dear friends, I could make a chemistry joke... but all the good ones argon.
Trying to get in shape for all those people I'm not having sex with.
Dear Me, I just wanted to remind you that it's okay to say "No" once in awhile. I'll let you in on a little secret-the world will go on! Love, Me
Other than Superman and the homeless has anyone used a phone booth in the last 10 years?
Sometimes Karma takes way too long. I would rather beat the crap out of you NOW!
I'm more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.
You know 'yer a DRUNK when: You have to go to court to find out what happened !
I just sneezed on my phone and it made little rainbow sparkles all over the screen. I'm pretty sure that makes me a Wizard. 