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Okay, women, so it's: Be nice, but not too nice; be sweet, but not a wuss; & take control, but don't control you? Got it! (I don't got it) 
Seriously guys, if you want a woman to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you guys need to learn to a save a tree and eat a beaver.
I'm hungrier than a Floridian Zombie!
Bud Light with lime??? What's the primary target demographic for that? Rednecks with scurvy?
Sometimes when I'm bored, I like to lay on my kitchen floor and pretend I'm a crumb.
I hate it when I take the time to peek in your window on a winter's night and you don't have the decency to look sexy. Its frickin' cold out here damn it!!
on my way to Walmart to take the "try me" stickers off the noise making toys and stick them on condom boxes
My wife said to me, "Isn't it odd how on our keyboard the letters ORPN have been worn out?"
Today's a great day to stalk someone you haven't seen since high school and say, "You wrote 'keep in touch' in my yearbook, well here I am!"
Dear "cool people", they didn't name a candy after you, did they? Sincerely, nerds.
Hey guys, I really need your help. I'm trying to patch things up with my ex-girlfriend so I'm thinking of writing her a poem. What rhymes with, "I still hate you, you f*cking b!tch!" ??
trying to flick a booger is quite possibly one of the most frustrating tasks ever.....think you flicked it? think again, it's now on the back of your pinky like magic.
I just heard the local priest singing a bit of "Nuns N' Moses".... "Take me down to the Vatican City where the mass is keen and the boys are pretty."
Make somebody happy today... mind your own business!!!
wonders why girls can't get their pictures taken without pursing their lips like little who*res.
BBC News: Two pedestrians die in collision. Fuck, how fast must they have been walking?
currently in a status update war with someone who thinks they are funnier than me, that hilarious!
Just got out of the shower and dried off with a Sham Wow! Think I'll slip into a Snuggie and watch some infomercials.
doesn't have a problem with caffeine, I have a problem without it!
just doesn't get it. I go through the drive thru at BK and I hand the kid my credit card. He asks me if it's an American Express... He had my card in his hand; what do you suppose he thought the orange and yellow Mastercard logo was? 