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4th. of July celebrations should be cancelled due to the lack of any real Independence... 
A woman's heart is as tender, vulnerable and fragile as a man's balls. Don't break hers and she won't break yours.
Gas is under $2 , Missy Elliot played the Super Bowl and Suge Knight just killed somebody again. The 90s are back!
One thing's for sure when I shower with my boyfriend. My titties are spotless!!
How come KFC doesn't have any women say "I ate the bone"??
Please stop inviting me to play CANDY CRUSH I'm type 2 Diabetic & I'm watching my sugar!!!
How's Hillary's head? Not as good as Monica's.
Just had s ex even though I had a headache... Did you hear that Ladies? ...had S ex and had a headache... Nobody died...
If you put the Federal Government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in 5 years there'd be a shortage of sand!
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
The worst place to be in the world is that place where you are not exactly sure of where you stand in someone's life and what you mean to them.
Man are like BLUETOOTH, he is connected to you when you are nearby, but searches for other devices when you are away. And women are like WI-FI, she sees all available devices but connects to the strongest one.
I think Fruit Loops are just Gay Cheerio's.
My roomate busted me masterbating in the shower, To play it off I said, I'll wash my d*ck as fast as I want too.
I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you're a demon who must be destroyed.
If your child was pregnant at 16, why would you put them on a TV show? Isn't that kind of rewarding them for being a slut?
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
As of tommorrow, Facebook will creep into your bathroom when you're in the shower and tweak your boobs. To change this option, go to Settings > Personal Settings > Bathroom Settings> Boob Tweakage Settings and uncheck the Shenanigans box.
Easy Bake Oven - Teaching women their place for over 50 years
I hate when ugly people say "I need my beauty sleep" B!tch, you need to hibernate. 