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"Just kidding!" is one of the biggest lies there is...... 
I respect you, liquor store shopping cart user.
Thunderstruck just played at the gym and now I'm drunk on the treadmill...
I didn't change my clocks because I decided to relive the past. There are so many things I'm going to do differently this time.
Why does everyone keep asking me how to change their clock? My Betamax has been blinking midnight since 1983...
I bet now Martin Shkreli wish he had that anti-parasite medicine
Whenever a convo is going badly and you want out, just say "and that's when I became a vegan."
[during sex] Hey, thanks for doing this with me.
The first idiot to complain that it’s too hot this summer is getting hit with a 10lb. bag of ice!
You know you're broke when American Express calls you and says: "Leave home without it"
How to strengthen your abs: 1. lie down and put your hands behind your head... Wow, what great position for a nap, better take a nap.
When someone knocks on my door, I find the best thing to do is knock back from my side. Then they go away.
Look what happened to Craigslist Casual Encounters! Now where are we supposed to go for sex with strangers and/or possible murderers?!
I'll never forget the thrill of that first kiss or the night I decided to keep someone else's Tupperware.
I’m tired of not having any plans to cancel.
Sex with me is like riding a bike. You never forget it and if you’re doing it you probably don’t have a car, a job, or any dignity.
Taco Bell is doing a promotion where if a player steals a base in the World Series,,, everyone in America would get a free Doritos Locos Taco.. Which is a great way for both players and fans to have lots of runs.
Don't let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.
It's a good thing this video game is rated mature because it's going to be babysitting the kids tonight.
I'm too tired to stay awake and watch... It feels like this U.S. Election night is Christmas Eve, and America's worried Santa might leave coal and sticks instead of presents in the morning. 