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Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them. 
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on. Me: ok (later at home) Me, talking to my blunt: I'm sorry I called you fat.
Did Bruno Mars catch that grenade? Haven't heard from him in a while...
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying "you know, the hot blond" is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Hate it when I'm at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining to you why you're wrong.
The Fat Acceptance Movement is the only movement without movement.
These days it is getting hard to tell if it's flirting or trolling.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Just discovered that I'm willing to drive 35mph over the speed limit to prevent a PT Cruiser from passing me.
My voicemail message is just me sighing for 20 minutes.
I asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Ready to earn money staring at my screen all day so I can afford to go home & stare at my screen all night, repeating the process unto death
I'll sell my broken watch when the time is right.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things to you like, "It's time to wake up and go to work."
I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting..
Dog 911: hello Dog: I accidentally ate the trash Dog 911: crouch low to pretend you are sorry Dog: but I'm not sorry Dog 911: I said pretend 