Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Rolls down car window... Throws caution to the wind... Goes home,,, Spends an hour cleaning caution off the side of the car.

   Pro tip: Fall in love with someone who will treat you how Kanye treats Kanye.

   Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?.... Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?

   I got kicked out of Subway again for NOT talking on my iPhone when ordering a sandwich

   You want to get the PERFECT body, it's easy... 😮 Walk up hill, a lot.. & only eat meat. 👍........ *Sponsored by Ed's hillwalking & meats Ltd

   20s: Sure, I'll take the floor... 30s: The floor? No, But I'll sleep on the couch.... 40s: What thread count are your sheets?

   I'm always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 7lbs.

   Listen,, If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

   Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

   My dog says my job is to always rub his back,, and violates OSHA law by not letting me take breaks.

   My dancing has been described as "Oh Dear God, Can somebody get this man an EpiPen?”

   "That'll do pig.. That'll do",,, is apparently not the reply to give when the wife asks how an outfit looks on her

   If Mark Hamill doesn't enter the room and shout "It's Hamill Time!",, In this next movie,, I'm gonna be dissapionted

   And yes,,, My marriage is mainly apologizing for saying something hilarious

   I'm not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

   Where did Noah keep his bees?... In the ark hives........ * Yes,, I'm showing myself out,, thanks

   I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

   "Huh?" -Vincent Van Gogh................. "What?" -Ludwig von Beethoven

   Each of my teardrop tattoos represent french fries I dropped between my car's seats.

   It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... So, After doing the math, the times were pretty much average.