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I don't hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch. 
Just because something is meant for kids doesn't mean it won't be amusing for adults. B00bs are a great example of this.
It's hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
I would definitely arch my back for you.
Unsure what love is, but my ex girlfriend thought going through my phone had something to do with it.
It's embarrassing when the people at work complain about me farting in my sleep.
Maybe the Packers should have asked for a discount double check.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I don't understand why people spend so much money on dieting when you can just get lost for 3 weeks in a forest for free
We now live in a wold where you are noticed, acknowledged and financially rewarded for being a douchebag while all the nice and good guys are ignored and neglected. Case in point, Kanye, Bieber, Kim, Minaj, etc
COWORKER: Got a minute?.... ME: Sigh,,,, (Puts "Days Without Being Annoyed By Idiots" sign on desk to 0) Sure,,, What's up?
time is precious...waste it wisely!!
If you posted that worthless legal disclaimer on your Facebook page, you might also want to spray paint your name on your garbage cans.
I got 99 problems and they're all due tomorrow!
.... After eight years ... At least with a new President Comedians will finally be allowed to joke about the president once again.
T Js is garbage. None of these are funny and most are reused from years ago. The prime time on T Js was from 2012-2013 now it’s just pathetic. And I’m sure the mod will delete this. But truth hurts.
You know what goes great with the Corona Virus? Lyme Disease.
Of all the things that taste like chicken, it's weird that eggs are not one of them.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Based on my wardrobe, dog hair is my favorite color:) 