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I always fist bump the cashier whenever my card doesn't get declined. 
There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.
No, I don't have tourette syndrome..I was just telling you what I think of you.
I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because I'm still looking for ideas.
"Daddy, can we go to the park" *looks at 9% battery* "Nope"
Every girls dream is to find the perfect guy then change everything about him.
Bruce Jenner is my least favoritte Transformer.
Velcro is a ripoff
Somewhere on earth a woman give's birth to a child every 10 sec! we must find her & stop her.
Whenever I go near a bank I get withdrawal symptoms.
surviving this massive amount of "family time" by pretending they are mental patients and I'm their case manager.
forget to put your pants back on one time coming out of the fitting room at walmart and suddenly you're a "weirdo" who is no longer "welcome" in the store
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common? Very little.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
that Bud Light Lime has less calories, carbs & fat than 2% Milk...it's not looking good for milk right now.
I recently met my good friend's dad. All I could think while shaking his hand was, “Gross, my friend came from this guy's balls.” I'm pretty sure it's thoughts like these that separate me from the general public.
addicted to facebook! Ok, I admit I've got a problem. So here's what I'm going to do abou.. ah, new message...
You call that show "Man vs. Food", But I call it "Keeping Up With The Kardashians."
I wonder if anyone else feels like their life is a series of bloopers and outtakes.
One of life's purest joys is discovering that something has pockets. 