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Bye, bye, Miss Alaskan Pie. Rode my Ski-Doo, To the igloo............................... This was a dumb idea, Sorry 
Hubs: If you could sleep with... Me: THOR!!! Hubs: ...the fan off tonight, that'd be great. Me: Ohhhh...
Those annoying "live chat" customer service pop-ups go away if you ask them what they're wearing.
The Girl in front of me at Starbucks just asked if they have Pumpkin Spice lattes yet... But don't worry ... I pulled off her Uggs & beat her with them.
'Don't worry. I'll hold all your stuff. You just worry about making friends' - Fanny Packs
Hipsters are what happens when you tell every child they are special
I always fist bump the cashier whenever my card doesn't get declined.
There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.
No, I don't have tourette syndrome..I was just telling you what I think of you.
I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because I'm still looking for ideas.
"Daddy, can we go to the park" *looks at 9% battery* "Nope"
Every girls dream is to find the perfect guy then change everything about him.
Bruce Jenner is my least favoritte Transformer.
Velcro is a ripoff
Somewhere on earth a woman give's birth to a child every 10 sec! we must find her & stop her.
Whenever I go near a bank I get withdrawal symptoms.
surviving this massive amount of "family time" by pretending they are mental patients and I'm their case manager.
forget to put your pants back on one time coming out of the fitting room at walmart and suddenly you're a "weirdo" who is no longer "welcome" in the store
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common? Very little.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 