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nice try auto flush toilet, but there's more where that came from.. 
Every taco bell value meal should be called a number 2
Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I'll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags
Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.
If someone says "bathroom policy" one more time, I'm going to have to kick a chick in the nuts.
If any of you ever hit rock bottom, please bring me down some vodka.
If I was married to a supermodel, my balls would always be deflated too...
It's like my daddy used to always say, "GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND LET SOMEONE ELSE HAVE A TURN! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN THERE ANYWAY?"
Education is important but happy hour is importanter.
If you carry the bricks from the past, you'll only end up building the same house..,,
You had me at "hello," But lost me at "bae"
All I'm saying judge is that the song Come on Eileen should have come with more specific instructions . ...
I hate when people take my glasses and say "Wow! You really can't see!" I'm like no kidding. I don't take a person's wheelchair and say "Wow! You really can't walk!"
I'm starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I'll never ever use one again. I'm so excited about it. Yes.
Pro Tip: If you're on the bus,, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
YOLO. Because stupid people don't know what Carpe Diem means.
If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. ..... 