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Here is a big shout out for slugs, those little guys are out there doing the same stuff as snails but without helmets... 
Dear Google, I successfully received the 5 notifications, 18 emails, and 6 popups about your changed privacy policy. Please send more.
I can't remember the last time I heard a dial tone.
What kind of wine goes best with laundry?
After the first of the year, my healthcare plan will be a Band-Aid and a prayer.
This is normally when Tony Romo is visited by 3 ghosts. The ghost of December Failures past, present and future.
OMG I met the perfect guy! Maybe I can fix him. - Women.
The best thing about depression is all the naps. Also the frequent snacks. Also the heavy drinking. The drugs are cool too.
It's what's on the inside that counts... *Except chocolate covered raisins.
My medical ID bracelet says "Probably Drunk".
Getting dumped by a hoarder has to be rock bottom.
We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...
I hate when I get to work and I'm at work.
back pain is just youth leaving the body
Justin Bieber has changed his name, at least on Instagram, to "Bizzle" apparently in order to up his "street cred". Why can't Bieber just up his street cred like rappers do and get shot?
I never follow my heart because involuntary, myogenic organs are terrible decision makers
Hey you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!
Women are always complaing that men are messy by leaving clothes layin around.....That's because women take up all the closets
Bit Strips. A step up in the minds of those who normally post that they're going to Wal-Mart.
I figure I must be Bi-sexual. I have sex twice a year. 