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My wife is in a bad mood. I think her boyfriend forgot their anniversary... Way to go, dude. Now we all suffer... 
Not to brag or anything,,, but I got the high score on my bathroom scale today.
The way my kids act at Walmart, it's just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
Well I failed my drivers test today. The instructor asked me what I do at Redlights, and I said, "Text and Facebook"
I could've sworn my last status update was funny, but I won't argue. You guys know best.
POUR SOME HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP ON ME!!!!
I'm not saying she's a sl*t but whenever she eats a banana in public, she puts one hand behind her head.
"We have a history" = "we used to have sex"
My girlfriend tried to buy something in the internet yesterday... Anyone know how to get a creditcard out of a disk drive?
I can honestly say I'm 150lbs of pure sexy! Plus 50ish lbs of something soft and squishy
Have you ever looked at someone and just known that the wheel was turning but the hamster was dead?
life is sooooooo much funnier when you have a dirty mind
I'm too embarrassed to tell you how many times I've mistaken insulation for cotton candy.
An 89 is just a 69 with a fat chick.
You know you're getting old when you need a sports bra on to brush your teeth.
sometimes I whistle while I work....but most of the time I facebook...
thinks that Google Maps can skip a few steps when giving me directions... I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.
Everybody has that one person who always catches you doing weird stuff.
Breaking news: Lebron James is taking his talents to Vancouver. Found out they only have to play 3 periods in the NHL, not 4.
That unnecessary music they play in scary movies that is scarier than the actual movie 