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Still haven't taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree. 
Coffee so black it has it's own entertainment network.
without me awesome is only aweso
thinks: The greatest pleasure in life is "not" doing what people say you can do.I call it the middle finger logic.
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
wants to keep hot coffee and doughnuts in her car, so that when a cop asks, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" I can say, "Yes I do" and hand them to the officer!
when I was a YOUNG artist.... my box of CRAYONS would only last ONCE...I would burn and MELT them into ART!
As I was getting into bed she said "You're drunk." I said "Why do you think that?" She said "Because you live next door."
my girlfriend said I could tie her up and do anything I wanted. So I tied her to the bed face down, and went fishing.
Dear Nike, I did it. Now what happens? Sincerely, Pregnant teen.
am I the only one when my mom enters the room while I am on the computer, switch to goole and just stare at it?
95% of American drivers say "oh sh!t!" before driving into a ditch... The other 5% are rednecks saying "hold my beer and watch this sh!t."
If you can go the entire car ride without eating some of your french fries, you're obviously some type of sorcerer.
I don't like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
Every time I'm not with my kid and someone asks me "Where's the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
Dear rappers, please stop putting police sirens in your music. When I'm driving it scares the crap out of me.
Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP' out loud instead of just in my head.
I don't need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
If I'm old enough to be your mother we can't date. Just kidding. Go ask for your allowance and buy me a drink.
Someone told me: Don't fall in love, you might get hurt. I said: Don't live, you might die.. 