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I Just Saw two homeless guys hitting eachother with cardboard; PILLOW FIGHT?! 
no matter how old you are, if a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.
Condoms Prevent Minivans!!
Think Big. Think Positive. Think Smart. Think Beautiful. Think Great. I know,that's too much for you, so here is a shortcut. JUST THINK ABOUT ME!
Did anyone notice something about Kanye West this week? Yeah, the fool replaced his bottom teeth with diamonds. DIAMONDS. So instead of a loud-mouth retard, he's a loud-mouth retard that sparkles.
And then God created Saturn...and he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].
I know karate, kung fu, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 27 other dangerous words.
Thanksgiving leftovers idea #57: Turkey margarita.
....saying, "I apologize.", is the same as saying, "I'm sorry.".... unless you're at a funeral.
The older I get, the more I come to realize that I just don't care what the hell anyone thinks anymore.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and break down crying.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Did you know, That if you yell "bloody Mary" 3 times in front of ur mirror at 3AM ur mom will show up & tell you to shut up and go to bed?
6 reasons to masturbate: Saves time, saves money, reduces stress, cures headaches, hurts nobody, & pisses off the Pope.
It's so cold out, my nipples got to work 5 minutes before I did. Brrr...
I can't believe it. I saw on the news where a midget got pick pocketed in broad daylight...how could anyone stoop so low?
Based on their music alone, I think it's safe to say that Adele and Drake were hurt by the same man.
Tony Romo is the type of person to make a perfect cake and then drop it on the way to the table....
NEWS FLASH: The mother who injected her 8 year old daughter with Botox looses custody... *The child didn't look surprised. 