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Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]. 
I know karate, kung fu, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 27 other dangerous words.
Thanksgiving leftovers idea #57: Turkey margarita.
....saying, "I apologize.", is the same as saying, "I'm sorry.".... unless you're at a funeral.
The older I get, the more I come to realize that I just don't care what the hell anyone thinks anymore.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and break down crying.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Did you know, That if you yell "bloody Mary" 3 times in front of ur mirror at 3AM ur mom will show up & tell you to shut up and go to bed?
6 reasons to masturbate: Saves time, saves money, reduces stress, cures headaches, hurts nobody, & pisses off the Pope.
It's so cold out, my nipples got to work 5 minutes before I did. Brrr...
I can't believe it. I saw on the news where a midget got pick pocketed in broad daylight...how could anyone stoop so low?
Based on their music alone, I think it's safe to say that Adele and Drake were hurt by the same man.
Tony Romo is the type of person to make a perfect cake and then drop it on the way to the table....
NEWS FLASH: The mother who injected her 8 year old daughter with Botox looses custody... *The child didn't look surprised.
Still haven't taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
Coffee so black it has it's own entertainment network.
without me awesome is only aweso
thinks: The greatest pleasure in life is "not" doing what people say you can do.I call it the middle finger logic.
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
wants to keep hot coffee and doughnuts in her car, so that when a cop asks, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" I can say, "Yes I do" and hand them to the officer! 