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My wife tried to buy something online yesterday.... Anyone know how to get a credit card out of a floppy drive? 
Like a good Neighbor, Stay over there.
The Pill, the second best thing a woman can put in her mouth to avoid pregnancy
I wonder how many times that fat kid on Adam's Family locked himself in the bathroom with a playboy and that freaky hand thing?!?!
To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that
I like to throw hostesses off by shooting back at them with, "Do I look Native American?" after they ask me if I have a reservation.
You don't have to believe in a book to be a nice person and treat people right.
I hate a liar more than a thief, a thiefs only after my salary. A liars after my reality.
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married
If standing up for the constitution makes me an extremist, then yes, I am!
Dear Santa: if you ignore all my actions during weekends and all the alcohol I drank, you'll see that 6 out of 12 months I was a good boy, wich makes me 50% good...It's up to you to see the glass half empty or half full
going to give my pillow some head :0) and my sheets some ass.!! G"night!!!
You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
lf you can only be good at one thing, be good at cheating....because if you're good at cheating, you're good at everything.
Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio :)
Due to the success of Toy story 3. BP are in talks to release, "Try Finding Nemo Now".
if you are 17, and still dressing up and coming to my house for Halloween, you sure as hell better say "Trick or Treat" and "Thank You" like the little kids do.
I wish there were visiting hours in heaven.
I'm gonna surprise the gf, and wake her with oral sex...hope she doesn't choke. 