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Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It's only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You'll be just fine. 
The snooze button, because there's nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
The more selfies she has, the more times you'll have to tell her she's pretty everyday.
Unarmed does NOT always mean NOT dangerous.
If you listen to a Justin Bieber song backwards you'll hear messages from the devil. Even worse if you play it forward you'll hear Justin Bieber.
It's time once again for Americans to celebrate our independence by combining explosives and large amounts of alcohol.
Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.
if I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn't want to be me on that day
Oh and for all those polar bears are losing their homes because the earth is heating up people ..Tell the polar bears to bring their furry asses to Indiana they will feel right at home
I’d rather wear Rosie O’Donnell’s dirty underwear as a ski mask than turn Facebook chat on.
A man was arrested in England for robbing a store not with a gun; but holding a picture of a gun. God it takes courage to be that stupid.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I'm pretty sure I could handle way more money...
My wife has yet to figure out the correlation between her excessive conditioner usage and my super soft weiner…
Found a roll of "choking hazard" stickers, so far I've plastered my pants with them.
At least Herman Cain knows when to pull out......
You actually play with the volume more often when watching porn.
Just thinking of how confusing it would be to all the little tricker treaters if I dressed up as santa for Halloween and handed out candy.....
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
"Tickets." — me (when other people get on the elevator)
Ok, just heard this on a radio... "Up next is Justin Bieber's Boyfriend." My suspicions are confirmed. 