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Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks. 
My husband is on the roof - only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
needs some good ole fashioned meaningless casual sex.
This is such a beautiful day... now watch some idiot screw it up!
I think if I ever had to get an X-ray on my leg or something, I'd hide a piece of metal under my clothes that looks like a ninja star. Then I'd casually say "Oh that's an old battle wound..."
A little word to my Facebook friends. Stop accepting requests from scantily clad ladies in short skirts taking pics of themselves in the mirror. These are not real friends and you will end up having your FB wall pimped selling shoes. HELLO!?
I'm easily influenced... That's why I try not to watch too much porn
Immature = A word boring people use to describe fun people.
When I die, i'm gonna have a "like" and "dislike" button on my gravestone. And just a word of caution: If you think its gonna be funny to push the "dislike" button, wait till you see what you look like when all the voltage passes through you...
Ovens are a lot like sex. Women want them preheated first - Men just shove it in and don't care.
“People will always talk about you. Might as well give them something to talk about.”
If there's no bacon, it's not breakfast.
I was thinking about selling my old phone but I think it knows too much.
Really no offense ladies,but why do all of you go on about your weight..then post all this food that would clog and artery...
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
When pharmacist gets sick....... Does the doctor give him a taste of his own medicine?
You're entitled to your opinion and I'm entitled to judge you for it
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I'm like, "Nope. I'm good."
Fish don't seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid-air I would probably eat it.
What's the acceptable amount of days for someone to say, "Happy New Year!" before you're allowed to punch them in the face for abusing the line? 