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I went to a club and they played “The Twist”, so I did the twist. They played “Jump”, so I jumped. They played “Come on Eileen”… I got kicked out for that one. 
Hey Pringles, it's time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn't exactly thin-wristed.
Being nice to the people you don't like isn't called 2 faced, its called growing up.
I'm an Arab but NOT "death to America" Arab.
Can you imagine parents nowadays explaining to their kids how they met? “Well, it all started one day when your dad ‘liked’ one of my selfies.”
patiently waiting for the "No-Bra" Ice bucket challenge
I was going to make one of those Bitstrips cartoons, but then I decided to pick the lint out of my belly button instead. I'm pretty sure I came out ahead ツ
An Apple fan walks into a bar and orders the same drink as yesterday but pays more.
I saw my ex the other day and I'll be straight up honest with ya, YEAH I'd still hit it... with my car.. with my baseball bat.. with my fore arm repeatedly...
Move over weight watchers, there is a new diet in town it's called I can feed my family cause I just filled my gas tank
I hate when I don't forward a chain letter and the next day I die.
available for rebound sex.
This Tequila tastes like future bad decisions.
Wanting the President to fail is like wanting the pilot to crash the plane we all just got on.
Your mama's so stupid, she took a ruler to bed just to measure how long she slept.
So... Do you like casual sex... or should I put on my tie?
Joke of the day: Two old women were sitting in church. One leans over to her friend and said, "My butt is asleep." Her friend replied, "I know, I've heard it snore three times already."
If you do something you'll regret in the morning, SLEEP TILL NOON!
You stop telling lies about me, and I'll stop telling the truth about you...
My maths teacher asked me what comes after 69? Apparently "I do" is not the correct answer, 