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Some people think I'm pretty funny until they marry me. 
Facebook: where pushing like to everyone's 'happy birthday' wish is a thank you.
#1 thing to do today: Run into a store and ask what year it is. When someone answers, yell "It worked!!!" and run out cheering.
My mother always told me to never quit something I'm good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i'm good at being drunk!
Nothing says 'Self absorbed a$$hole' like liking your own picture
Women + yoga pants = WIN!
Hey, look at the bright side... oh I'm sorry, YOU don't have one of those.
Full disclosure: I don't actually know the back of my hand all that well.
The amount of sleep required by the average person is just five minutes more.
Grocery store flowers; show someone you care slightly more than not at all.
Waking up for work :(-_-) .. Waking up on a saturday: \( 'O' )/
The future was so much cooler in the past.
I don't think I could be friends with anyone desperate enough to choose me as their emergency contact.
The single most suspicious thing you can do when someone walks into the room is to minimize your browser
My girl keeps her hair short so instead of holding back her hair when she pukes, I keep her boobs out of the way. I'm nice like that.
Think about how much women could accomplish if they didn't spend half the day taking pictures of themselves in bathroom mirrors.
If men are from Mars, that would explain why we try to probe everything.
I am not looking for a one night stand, 2 hours will be plenty enough.
Your Christmas present will be all the more meaningful to me if you had to pepper spray someone in order to get it.
Don't take it personal, if they don't know you personally. 