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I thought my Doctor was totally crazy for giving me LSD to treat my constipation, until I saw a Fire-Breathing dragon and sh1t myself! 
Ugh, I accidentally spoiled the new Spider-Man movie for myself by seeing "Spider-Man" 10 years ago.
Apparently putting toothpaste on your ass DOES NOT stop you from being raped in prison. So much for complete cavity protection.
wonders who says "open wide" the most, Dentists or Gynaecologists...
Spelling bee on @espn. Audience full of proud mom's sitting with dad's who'd rather have an illiterate son who could throw a ball
does anyone else think gas stations should throw in a free tube of ky jelly with every fill up?
I'm having a royal wedding watching party...drinking beer out of tea cups. Pinkies up....chug chug chug
Happy Star Wars Day, May the 4th be with you! xx
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties
I hate you cheetos . You ruined all my good jeans .
Why is it so hard for to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
Do you think maybe I could save even more than 15% on my car insurance if Geico didn't waste so much f*cking money on commercials?
My news feed is starting to look like a battle broke out between the Confederates and a skittles factory.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you. They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Heard a dad say "Keep rolling your eyes and maybe, one day, you'll find a brain back there." #fatheroftheyear
83% of GM products manufactured in the last 10 years are still on the road: the other 17% somehow made it home.
I've dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
My dad's ability to drive with one hand while reaching back and smacking the right child, somehow always impressed me... Happy father's day dad!
I've masturbated in the shower so much that every time its rains I get a hard-on
Saw that Poland just won the country's first gold metal.... they were so happy, they had it bronzed! 