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"I tolerate you better than I do anyone else" is the new "I love you." 
The Mona Lisa is one of the most respected pieces of art in the history of the world, and yet, the second you put a replica of it in your living room, it instantly becomes the tackiest piece of sh*t I've ever seen, Mom.
According to the “you snooze you lose” principle, insomnia makes us winners.
whenever theres a need to sign into an online acct and it asks the security question 'whats your favorite animal' I wonder how many ppl besides me answer with Liger.
Everything is so digital these days, my kids can't even read a clock with hands.
...today's the day we mother's get some relief from the curse OUR mother's handed down when they told us "one day you'll have a kid JUST LIKE YOU!!" Have a great MOM'S DAY everyone!! =D
I like to skip my digestive system and just place my Chipotle burrito directly into my toilet.
I've been keeping this a secret for almost a year now because I didn't want to lose friends: I don't work on Mondays.
Got kicked out of a Gatorade convention. I guess standin behind the women and whispering "is it in you?" was the wrong thing to do.
You know what I like most about people? Pets.
Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow.
When I have complicated problems I always ask myself, what would my imaginary wife do? And then I end up buying myself cupcakes, and shoes.
Just remembering some of my elementary school days and chuckled when I remembered how sitting “boy, girl, boy, girl” used to be a punishment.
This is a list of people who asked for your opinion.................
If more people knew what guys did with socks they'd stop giving them to their dad as gifts.
- My wife got us tickets to The Nutcracker for tomorrow night, so at this point I'm rooting for the Mayans.
BREAKING NEWS: Dora the Explorer suffers a heart attack after discovering Google Maps.
Relationships are kinda like hamburgers on TV. They look good, but in real life, they're not that great.
Serious question: do the Kardashians breed like humans or do they lay eggs?
My favorite Lil Wayne song is the one where he sounds like a confused 8 year old with aspergers reading the list of toppings at Cold Stone. 