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The world would be a quiet place if we did that whole "think before you speak" thing. 
Sex is like Jenga: you pull out and try not to make a mess
The happiest sentence, ruined by one word: I'm getting laid. Off.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
Censored Snoop Doggy Dogg songs on the radio sound like two AT&T customers having a conversation on the phone.
Some people would not be born if alcohol was never invented.
You know who I hate? Vampires. They can't see their reflections, and yet their hair and makeup is always perfect.
OMG !!! This Jail Cell gets free Wi-Fi !!!
My grocery cart right now says, "I'm getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!" And also. "I like fruit."
If you can't say anything nice, at least be vague with a touch of sarcasm, so you can share it with your friends behind their back later.
Next person that asks me "Is it cold out?" after I walk inside with my winter coat on, gloves, hot and a red face is going to get thrown outside in the snow and locked out.
If you don't have something nice to wear, then don't wear anything at all.
If anyone needs me I'll be setting up a sniper pearch in Punxsutawney, Pa. This year that fat little groundhog will not make it back to the hole.
So if I get a job at Walmart, do I pull my own teeth out, or does it happen during orientation?
This just in...Goerge Zimmerman resues cat from tree!!
Still trying to figure out how Cee-Lo wipes his ass.
if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, then have we found the perfect location for a nickelback concert
30 years ago my wife got a tattoo of a horse head on her boob, it now looks like a giraffe
Roses are red, violets are blue. A bag of weed is cheaper than a dinner for two.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants. 