Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
I get really uncomfortable when people ask questions about sex. Like: "Is that it?" 
I have all the money I'll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
i gotta stop playing call of duty black ops, I swear today at work I thought I could upgrade my staple gun..
Bella: your pale white and ice cold. You don't eat anything, and I can't find you when the sun's out. I know what you are. Edward: Say it. Say it out-loud. Bella: A...snowman.
LIFE IS SHORT... PLAY NAKED
I've started a new exercise regime. Every morning, before I get out of bed, I do one sit-up.
Why do the guys at Footlocker get so mad when they can't force you to buy socks or extra shoe cleaner.
Happy 267th birthday, Thomas Jefferson
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
My first laptop was an Etch-A-Sketch.
I just accidentally sat through the commercials of a show recorded on my DVR. Every time I do that, a part of me dies...
Please, write your comments down on the back of a $20 dollar bill and send them to me.
Dear Oprah, thanks for clarifying you're not a lesbian. We were all wondering...
Just found a document that says all of our restrictions have been lifted! It’s pretty old though, it’s dated 1776.
Maybe when the stuff was going down at the Capitol on Wednesday, the Government should have sent in Social Workers instead of the police.
How come Sanctuary cities have the fastest growing crime rates?
B is the best letter of the alphabet: Boobs, Buns, Booty, Booze, Beer, Bourbon, and Bacon.
The sex was great, but I faked the cuddle.
Being offended is a personal decision that you can choose not to make. The ones who are offended by things are attention-seeking drama queens.
I'm going on a vodka diet. Apparently you can lose 3 days in one week... 