Funny Status Messages

   Thanks to coffee I'm no longer exhausted. I'm alert and exhausted instead.

   It's rumored that the Catholic Church is interested in buying Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. Does anyone not see the irony in this?

   How long do I have to stay in the shower before the shame washes off?

   My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...

   I like giving names to my furniture... Right now i'm chillin' on Oscar the Couch

   How many more short, funny sentences must I post on the internet before I am worthy of human love?

   We've never met or spoken in person, so why should I be offended by your worthless opinion internet stranger?

   Just tried to make out with my wife on the couch. It was like trying to give a cat a bath.

   Different set of tracks. Same old train wreck.

   "Well we've been looking for this multiple homicide suspect for 5 minutes. Time to close the investigation forever." - cops in GTA 5

   I don't get it with these weight loss pills that say "along with diet and exercise" they can help you lose weight. Come on. The whole point of taking a weight loss pill should be so I don't have to diet and exercise.

   I've lost love, money, and my mind on occasion, I don't care. But It would kill me if I lost the ability to laugh at myself.

   Patience can best be described as standing in line behind someone buying lottery tickets without strangling them to death.

   Our friends don’t understand our obsession with trying to write clever, original status updates to post online... They wonder why we don’t just copy and paste our status updates like everyone else does.

   For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.

   going to be in such good shape now that he found these WII fit Cheat codes!

   likes it on the floor, next to the bed, so she doesn't forget it it when I kick her out in the morning

   OK some Women want to be equal to Men... Send us flowers to work, pick us up for a date, open the car or any door for us, take us out to dinner and a movie flip the bill and leave the tip and you make the first move at the end of the date!!!

   Dear bl@ck people, stop trying to impress others with fancy cars and clothes. Let's try impress each other with investments and good credit!

   There's no such thing as being "big boned." How many fat skeletons have you ever seen???