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Calling me paranoid just confirmed all my suspicions. 
I just called up the phone company and put em on hold. Every 5min I come on an tell them how important their business is to me. Please hold.
Everyone is really happy that you’re working out, but announcing it every time you do it makes people hope you die on the treadmill.
North Korea changes its Facebook relationship status with the South Korea from "It's Complicated" to "War."
Thank you Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!!!
I tried killing a loose bat in the garage with an empty paper towel tube. After a few weak whacks,,, we both laughed & shared a fruit roll-up
Nothing says regret like the email address you made as a kid
Its funny when a slut has the nerve to complain that there are no more good men left.
Think of all the chances you lost because of shyness!
My favorite thing about Basketball is when it's Football.
f by “Hold” you mean take a moment to reflect on your poor customer service and how I should take my business elsewhere? Then yes, I’ll hold.
Wait, there's a "wrong hole"?
I want so bad to post a Kim and Kanye joke, but it would be off color and in the wrong direction...
I tried writing one of those braggy, family Christmas letters,, but it just started looking like a suicide note.
If you find a female driver who checks her side-view mirrors, marry her.
Friendly Christmas Reminder: If you're telling a joke to a group of family members and friends, and no one laughs, there is NO need to REPEAT the joke a second time!
if you aren’t both squished on one side of the bed to avoid the wet spot, you aren’t doing it right…
MARRIAGE; Because your suffering doesn't have to end at work!
seriously people, we all have smart phones. Stop with the weather updates on FB...
Beer is good, but beers are better. 