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I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you! 
Did you say somthing, or did your brain fart..
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin
life is now back on track... unfortunately for me that track is downhill... and there's me with no steering or brakes...
was told that if I have to ask how much something costs, I probably can't afford it. She was right so I moved along.
wants you to know that you have my undivided, continuous, partial attention.
The best feeling of the day is getting into bed, the worst feeling of the day is getting out of bed.
havin' a 3some tonight... still have room for 2 more.
just bought a new GPS unit for my car, and it came without directions.
a weapon of mass destruction.
kind of likes ceilings, maybe she'll even become a fan?
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
You're only young once. After that, you need some other excuse for acting like an idiot.
I've known myself for 30 years. How am I still able to convince myself that I can remember things without writing them down right away?
The best part about "liking" someones status on Facebook is all 97 notifications for the conversation below between you and your friends.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Its pretty sad I have to put parental controls on Google just to get pumpkin ideas.. Do not Google anything ending with "on a broom".
Opera is where a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of dying he sings..
feels like a TSA agent stuffing this turkey...
Just saw a movie where gas is $.63 a gallon. I now believe the 70s never actually happened. 