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Dumped his body in the ocean? WTF? Who's been watching Sopranos reruns again... 
New season of Jersey Shore to film in Italy.. To maintain balance in the universe, Italy will send 8 citizens to Fazoli's
Friends by social network. Twitter = fake friends Facebook = close friends Myspace = I can't remember who you are.
There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
I gave a homeless lady $5. Friend said I shouldn't because the lady will only buy booze with it. I said So? That's what I'd buy too. You'd have to be pretty drunk to sleep on the concrete.
All relationships go through sh!t. Real relationships get through sh!t.
I've found "the more the merrier" to be a dangerously inaccurate cliché.
Just got through watching ''Black Swan".Thought it was a movie about nature turned out to be a softcore Porno.
i once told a girl that she was "special" and she totally accepted it as a compliment.
Please feel free to call me anytime after ten, that's when I put my phone on silent.
I wonder if this Margarita counts as my daily serving of fruit...
Some of your timelines are my morning paper.
You're not nearly as obsessed with me as you should be.
The day I grow up will be the day that I die.
refuses to spring forward....If I am not there in an hour, then you come looking for me.
The more I think about the lack of thought I put into thinking makes me wonder what was I thinking.
My boss didn't know I drank, until one day I came to work sober.
So, I guess the FDA has approved the "week-after" pill - the perfect remedy for those not so skilled at time/pants management...
used the search term "the perfect job for me" on google and it laughed at me... 